| depression, plain and simple. |
[23 May 2008|11:20pm] |
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mood |
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empty |
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music |
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say anything/ city and colour |
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i hope i don't worry anyone,
i just need to get some sadness off my chest, and it is safer to do so on here... where maybe 4-5 people are on my friends list.
it's hard to breathe.
i don't like showering anymore,
because i want to cry when i am in there.
i spend so much time with my girlfriend, who is great to me
but i spend so much time with her to stop thinking about myself,
my desire to give up,
about ricky and sarah.
ever since sarah died... i think about her everyday,
i think about death far too often for comfort,
and i feel the joy slipping out of everything.
movies aren't funny anymore.
friends are sometimes a chore.
i blocked my window off from the world
and i spend almost all of my time in my room.
i don't want to live like this.
but despite the wealth of reasons i have to chin up...
it feels like i can't.
i'm not going to hurt myself,
i'm not going to drink it away,
i'm just sad.
thanks for reading.
~colin mark rabun
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| oneirological exploration. |
[09 May 2008|01:18pm] |
children often have sort of a "marked break from reality". often times they truly believe in monsters and other fantastic creatures.
i certainly can't claim after some of my ex's that they are wrong... but what specifically causes this belief?
scientists and left-hemisphere-obsessed adults would tell people that it's because they don't understand the world.
i disagree.
throughout infancy, babies are constantly showing brain-waves similar to slow-wave sleep (delta waves)
and at this point, they learn more rapidly than we could hope to learn as adults (most of us college students even).
as children grow older, and their belief in the fantastic fades, they start to think with different parts of the brain, and at different frequencies.
moving from delta (above) to theta
(theta waves)
(which are shared by adults during over-tiredness, arousal, and meditation / intense prayer)
the fascinating thing about this stage, is that at this point, the fantastic is reconciled with the logical, and through prayer/ meditation... adults learn to have "faith" in the fantastic again. adults of a spiritual bent pay out the ass for this mind-set, or train themselves rigorously to attain it.
from theta waves, they grow further detatched until they are regular adults (as far as regular can be determined.)
the point i am trying to establish with this, is simply that there may in fact be scientific means of reaching other levels of understanding, and through these means, we may uncover "new worlds".
theories already exist for machinations capable of exploring other dimensions, i hold that these dimensions may be reachable by our own means.
perhaps children aren't having problems with this world, they aren't actually in it yet.
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| guess what!? |
[20 Mar 2008|09:02pm] |
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mood |
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excited |
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music |
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mc hesh - it's your birthday |
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today is my friend amy's birthday.
she deserves the most amazing, spectacular, wonderful birthday of all time... so send her as much love as humanly possible!
happy birthday home-girl.
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| santa left me with some fat loot |
[25 Dec 2007|12:38am] |
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mood |
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hardy |
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music |
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lack of, and i just realized it |
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hey all, i lack a digital camera or i would show you my sweet presents.
christmas was great, i got to see the kids a lot more than i am usually able, and i am going to have breakfast with them tomorrow morning.
amylikewhoa, thank you for writing to me again after all this time. i dont know if my reply made it to you... so i am thanking you publicly. you have always been a wonderful person and i hope the season was good to you.
also! i went camping with 4 of my friends last night on top of mount arrowhead here in claremont. hypothermia sucks, lol, but the mountain was gorgeous and the cave dwelling we made was awesome. the only reason we got too cold was really because 3 of the people who climbed were in skateboarding shoes and the cave could only really fit 4 people, so i slept in snow. the stupid things men will do when put into a group of like-minds...
anyways, hit me back, gangsta's
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| just a little bitching. |
[19 May 2006|08:47am] |
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mood |
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midareru |
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music |
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kaidyn playing with his gym (i can see him) |
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things are really difficult while we're getting ready for the move (6 days). i havent had more than a half hour of uninterupted sleep in 4 days and i have been the one who has to take care of the baby during this time and work... not fun. aubrey means well, she is just stressed and taking it out on the only person she can vent to that will stick around, and unfortunately there is a lot of venting to be done.
on a diferent note, the boken tournament hasnt officially been given a date, it will just be close to the 7th of august. and we are currently looking for an epic enough location to celebrate this occasion.
i've been meaning to train more but just haven't had the free time.
~see yall around
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| yaaay! |
[18 Apr 2006|01:38am] |
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music |
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"i just want to lie here, just let me die here next to you" |
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yuki wrote back to me the other day and she is doing great! i can't believe how much more talkative she is in letters though. i cant stay on, just letting everyone see for themselves i am alive.
i sit here in the 5th corner of my room, back turned to the outside world and completely incased in my hazel prison, a resonance of a frequency of neuro-electricity rapidly sending mixed signals across my body. a thought process and monologue pushed to the recesses of my mind, a voice that speaks primarily to himself because the outside world and the language of people is faux.
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| everyone write a poem here! |
[19 Mar 2006|11:20am] |
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mood |
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hungry... for bullets! |
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music |
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still faithless....(come on it hasnt been an hour!) |
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everyone, my brother has inspired me, i want everyone who reads this, regardless of how they feel about their writing, to write me a poem. and no picking on other people's submissions! that will piss me off like you couldn't imagine, unless your fred, that adorable little fairy (hi fred!) everyone give fred a hug, he needs one!!
if anyone writes to this at all i will write one (oooh, big prize, right?) i'll actually paste an old one more likely... but it will explode my computer with culture and raw emotion. sounds fun to me.
~colin rabun
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[05 May 2005|03:28am] |
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mood |
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TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT |
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IT'S A BOY!!!
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| im calling you out |
[29 Mar 2005|03:01am] |
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mood |
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betrayed |
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music |
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12 stones - fade away |
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atilla the hun died getting too drunk at a party... we'll miss you atilla.
there's a holiday devoted to genghis kahn to make sure his spirit doesn't return as a powerful vampire spirit. we'll miss you genghis, say hi to mortimer for rocko and i.
montezuma you pussy, you sold out your own people!
christopher colombus, how did you believe you were doing god's will when you raped and murdered and enslaved an entire population? that's ok though, we have a holiday devoted to you too.
that is all for now
p.s. Entropic Touch: Great news...
Entropic Touch: ^_^ I have a job, I think.
Entropic Touch: And any time I get this certain I have a job, I get it.
Entropic Touch: I'm gonna be a bouncer. -nods-
nopride nosoul: swet!
Entropic Touch: XD The funny part is, though....
Entropic Touch: It's at a gay bar.
nopride nosoul: lmfao!!!
Entropic Touch: With Drag Queen shows every Monday and Thursday.
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| what a happy month. |
[02 Feb 2005|05:37pm] |
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mood |
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i cant tell you! |
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music |
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jack johnson |
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february is destined to be a happy month for me. i am the banana..
shelby's gone, and so i dedicate a portion of my livejournal to him now.
"losing hope is easy...
when your only friend is gone,
and everytime you look around...
it all, it all just seems to change."
i want to write more about how i'm gonna miss him, but i'm chilling with my mom for now.
well everyone, i'm about to break my promise to myself i think... but it's a positive thing.
can't write now, my mom is needing the computer, so everyone, say hi!!
~colin
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